He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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