i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
