Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
