I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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