Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
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