Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
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