he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Randomize
