They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Randomize
