Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
The uberlube is also flammable
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
