So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
When are your genitals available?
I believe in your delicious
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
