cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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