Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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