My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
that is very illegal...i love you.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
