dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
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