I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Randomize
