I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
