You really coming over, don't trick.
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
