okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
