I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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