She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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