listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
