I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
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