you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Be still, my beating vagina.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
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