Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
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