I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
