i just wanna soil my oats bro
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
