4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
