so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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