Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Randomize
