Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Randomize
