he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Randomize
