My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Randomize
