yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
