the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
