i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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