First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
