That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
