It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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