I feel great
I just peed on a car
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
only you would photoshop your dick
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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