I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
how drunk are you?
Several
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Randomize
