i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
