i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I need to calm my uterus...
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Randomize
