first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
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