I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
