): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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