and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
