Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
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