Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
