Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
i think i have two assholes
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
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