I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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