I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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